if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize