Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
