ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
