dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
