I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
