Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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