Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
