What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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