it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
