How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
