Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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