Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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