highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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