I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize