When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
