Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
