so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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