god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
