he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
