So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
