K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
