my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So much rum. So many feels.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
