My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize