and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
