And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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