I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
