Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
