wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
