At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I supernannyed him into submission
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
