i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
