I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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