I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I faked an abortion last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
