Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
