I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
