When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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