saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize