apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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