You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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