I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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