and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
