Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
