Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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