Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
