i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
