What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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