OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
