Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
