I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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