Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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