i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
