All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
