I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
