i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
