Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
