I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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