Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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