apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
