I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize