why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
