I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
