I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
