Soap is not a condiment
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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