I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
