I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
