God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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